I was rummaging for some old unused notepads when I came across an "old diary". Turns out, that it was written during my "tweens" period. and reminiscing back the nostalgic drama which happened almost a decade back, i realised i had missed those "teenage" days. Flipping through, instances of entries I recorded, like the first day of a foreign school, the excitement of wearing my sacred yet foreign white blouse over navy blue pinafore, trips to Jamiyah Childrens' Home, a new stepping stone into the unknown. Not knowing that "Simple Dans Ma Vertu, Forte Dans Mon Devoir"..would be an embedded mantra that I would carry right into this very day.
It was really hysterical, reading through journals from myself-as-a-child view of secondary school life. My conspiracies of teacher-hating quixotic crusades, tripping over the mic-cord while taking the N.E. award (a trauma--considering i tripped right in front of the whole school!eeek!), I.T. lessons gone unexpectedly wrong...
And just to share an unabridged version(right to the very last period[.])of such an entry:
23rd June 1997...
"Dear Forever, I woked up early this morning, just for the sake of going to school for this Genre Writing stuff. Guess what time I woked up? 8:30a.m. Slight difference ehhh! Well, when I was about to reach school, I missed the bus-stop!!! So I had to alight from the next bus-stop and walked all the way back! The teacher was quite okay. He offered chocolates to whoever who gets the answer right. I reached home about 2 something. Do nothing, lazing around and I watched Beetlejuice! My favourite actress was Winona Ryder and Gillian Anderson. Then I got up, started doing my Maths holiday homework!!! Boring day huh! Well that's all for today!
Yours Nursyeha"
Considering it was written in a non-complicated,innocent,childish setting, many things have changed. Its inevitable, I guess. Though, one of my favourite actresses is still Winona Ryder. :)
Oh well, it seemed pretty rustic, though the year, 1997 holds one of the most tragic and pure ramifications, like the passing of Princess Diana which is not much of a difference, with Allahyarham Yasser Arafat's passing this year...and the recent tsunami disaster which occurred near Acheh; the collision of two active tectonic plates strung across the "Ring of Fire". and had death tolls rising at this very moment.
I'm not typing this at a lack of compassion. Paradoxically, I'm doing this because I care--and most probably due to a lack of earnest, lucid vignette in portraying the events..it had seemed rather bland. Like what a friend said over the Net yester night, I'm just, emotionally detached. Which was probably a justification, that I could not see certain issues eye-to-eye with others', or just my passive counter-reaction towards lifes' most passionate sketches.
Its not a denouncement of my denouncing, and I have not casted any stones--for the lack of one. and contemplating, that more bridges have been burnt this year. Some things just are. Despite the many years', theres very little but mere cordiality left. Despite the strong friendliness, theres very little but mere remembrance left. I had pockets of support, yes, that I would always try to remember and be grateful of. Some of you may read this, and believe me, I really appreciate your generosity and hope that if the time comes when you need me, I wouldn't let you down.
And acknowledging that I can't exactly fill that bridge, with my thoughts, my work or my writings.
And so what's next? - I really don't know.
More On Alan Alda.
"You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover will be yourself."
Emotional detachment is just another step to some intensification and refining of consciousness, maybe. You have to not know to truly know.
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